I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
