Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
