Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
