woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
