lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
