I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
