wakey wakey hands off snakey
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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