I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
