im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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