dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
