My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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