"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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