Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
