I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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