just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
