so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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