I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
