my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
