so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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