The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
