you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
