There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
high people should be assigned attendants
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
