Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
