guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
