I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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