Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
