I cut my penus on the lid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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