Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize