So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
