I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
