oh god the rape fog is back!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
