The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
