I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
