She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cannot find my penis.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
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I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho