I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
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At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
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My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.