Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.