I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You left your phone here
Wait...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
