Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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