You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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