for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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