just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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