as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
