I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
