I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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