never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
