DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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