so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
