Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
