once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
