I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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