he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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