Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I met the friendliest cop last night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
