Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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