Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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