I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
