I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
