his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
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the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
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God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...