Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
