I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
