You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
