oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
