I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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