I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
